Oscar Winning Weekend
It had it all. Action, Love, Suspense, Terror (mostly mine), and even some comedy.
Last weekend was designated the Mormon party weekend. We call it the 24th celebration but the rest of the Mormon world calls it “Pioneer Day.” It commemorates the trek of our forefathers and foremothers and foresiblings making it to Salt Lake and saying, “This is the place?” ::yiddish accent::
We celebrate our great pioneer ancestors’ struggles by overeating, bad dancing (mormons canNOT dance), softball and soft serve. Good times were had by all.
We live half a block away from the church. This means we have a plethora of relatives in and out of our house at all hours, all weekend. So being the wonderful hosts that we are we cooked loads and loads of food. Red chili Enchiladas, Spanish Rice, Salsa, Refritos, Tamales, Rellenos, stacks of flour tortillas and fry bread. Yes, I had to help cook most of this. It was cruel and unusual punishment. Don’t worry. I ate sensibly. I’m not going to sabotage all my hard work with a weekend of frivolity and merriment. Nooo… not me.
Anyway, there were rugrats everywhere. We’re a fertile bunch. There were relatives that I didn’t know I was related to and others I wish I wasn’t related to like my brother TOM. Yeah, you know who you are. Evil, evil sibling. But, I lerrrrves him. 
Why is he evil? Early Sunday Morning he calls the house. I mean Eaaaarly. 1:35 a.m. to be exact. They were heading down to Phoenix and left our house for Gallup around 11:00 p.m.. They arrive at the hotel and he has no wallet. He lost it. The last time he remembers having it was when he was crawling around a tractor trailer at the other end of our property. Way out in the dark on the other side. Waaaay over there. In the dark. Did I mention it was dark?
So here I am walking around in the dark with nary a weapon or dog to protect me from the ferocious outdoor denizens of the desert. Like spiders, scorpions, BIGFOOT, wayward ufos and the occasional fairy or sprite.
I drive my car through the field over to the trailer. I ain’t no dummy. I found it of course. At the bottom of the trailer ramp. So I nervously grab it and head towards my car and look up to see…..
I froze. Terrified.
There was a very large form standing next to the Mulberry tree right by the place where I had my encounter. I sat frozen for a good minute. I was trying to figure out if I could make it to the car before it grabbed me and ate me whole. In the meantime I was worried that it’s girlfriend was sneaking up behind me. That unnerved me and I ran screaming to the car. Yes, screaming. I was terrified. I’m a gay man. I’m allowed to scream. It’s in the gay charter. See! Page 12, Paragraph 3, Line 12 - “Big scaredy cat gay queens are allowed to scream like a woman when the occasion calls for it.”
I jumped in the car and spun that baby around to confront a….
Tree trunk. It was an old elm tree that burned and looked just like a hairy man-eating monster standing there. I parked in the drive and waddled quickly into the house. I called my brother back and CHEWED HIM OUT!!! How dare he put me through that!
Anyway, it was a fun weekend. One of the best. Mom was laughing. That always makes me happy. 
Oh my god you are the funniest!!!!!!! You totally crack me up. You have such a way of telling a story. I love it.
That is HILARIOUS! I really thought you found big foot there for a moment…so exciting…but glad it all turned out alright in the end. Mostly I am glad you were able to stay on track with your diet through that big weekend! Great work!
Wow, what a weekend! It puts my jagerbombs to shame….
Glad you had a great time (even if you wanted to ring your brother’s neck by the time you were done).
wow sam. that is a great and horrific tale of two mormon brothers and their wily ways. two thumbs up! lol. you never cease to crack me up, and once again, i am glad you didn’t get eaten by bigfoot. or a tree. that would be awful.
That was hilarious! lol
By the way, are you sure you were celebrating Pioneer Days and not a late Cinco De Mayo? Because that was alot of mexican food you made!
lmao you are so funny!!!
Seriously though…how did you stay good when there was so much scrumdiliicious Mexican food in the house? mmm my favorites!!! That would be so frikkin’ hard for me to do. >.
Come on folks. It’s New Mexican. Give my state some cred!
And to answer your question about why hispanic cuisine…
Because we can. And. We do it well.
Oh my gosh, that’s some funny stuff there! Good job on keeping away from all that yummy food,that is something to be proud of. Thanks for making me laugh!
Don’t you just love those special days that get you back in touch with your heritage, like our annual BlueNose marathon, or better yet, the Herringchokers picnic! This is no joke. Both Nova Scotia events.
Much rather relapse with a relleno than choke on a herring. lol Ohhh that sounds so goood. Makes me miss good ol Wickenburg, Az. Fry bread, made mine with home rendered LARD. (only one reason I’m here… lol)
I was thinking about you the other day. I watched a program on t.v. It was all about Big Foot in Oklahoma. So see, your good. He has apparently moved to Oklahoma! Unless of course he left above mentioned girl friend behind. I can’t imagine anything worse than a jilted love stricken hormonal female Big Foot.
My cheeks hurt from laughing! Too funny
Ive got a story to send you…