I need to write a book
The subject will be Mom’s anecdotes.
I got up yesterday morning and stumbled down the hall making my way to the kitchen for some caffeinated fortification. As I passed the hall bathroom I noticed a scrape along the wall and a rather substantial hole. I stood there for several minutes scratching my head trying to figure out how that could have happened. I heard rustling noises coming from the computer room next to the kitchen so I went to investigate. It was mom.
Me: “Mom, are you all right?”
Evil woman that gave birth to me: “I’m fine, why do you ask?”
I start looking around for canary feathers because she definitely looked like the cat that ate one.
Me: “Well, there’s a scrape along the wall that ends in a large hole.”
Satan’s concubine: “I lost control of the mobile chair this morning and scraped the wall.”
Me: “What about the hole?”
Mommy Dearest candidate: “What hole?”
Me: “Umm… the large hole where the scrape ends. That hole.”
Mom: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t make any hole. Let me go look.”
She motors over to the hallway and studies the wall for several minutes.
“I didn’t do it. That hole was already there. See, there’s no stucco on the carpet!”
Me: “Mom, I walk down that hallway everyday. There was no hole before this morning.”
Evil evil woman: “Sam, I didn’t make that hole. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Me: (patiently) “Mom….”
Mom: “Sam! (she uses the mother voice) It’s my damn house and I’ll make holes in the wall whenever I feel like it!” And she motors off down the hallway muttering to herself about nosy damn people trying to tell her what’s what.
God give me patience….. and an aluminum bat.
Addendum: Now before you start calling me an evil mother beating ogre, she’s done this before. So far she has ripped a dryer door off, the swinging doors on the computer room, the dishwasher is dented and warped, she’s a rolling menace to society.
But, I lerve her. 
That’s fantastic, thank you for sharing!
ha ha ha……….. brilliant! You’ve your hands full Sam
I should be canonized or just get me a large cannon.
hehehe, sounds like some of my favorite clients. Aw Sam, you’re just lucky she hasn’t used her chair as her weapon of choice against you… yet.
I’m going to take a picture this evening and post it. That’ll get her dander up.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
why is it that when you are trying to get the truth out of your mother about something they always feel compelled to tell you that you don’t know what you are talking about?
yes i have one of those too, and she does the same thing and when she is doing hearing you she turns around walks off muttering…
i just stay and shake my head… love her to pieces but sometimes i understand my 2 year old grandson better than i do her… LOL
She has run over my dad’s toes a couple of times. She claims it was accidental. With her you never know.
Thankfully, your great sense of humor is still intact. Use it, use it heavily Sam.
So many irritated caregivers who take care of adventurous and stubborn older people have murderous intentions deeply hidden. LOL … not a joke, it’s true.
Sounds like my mom…deny, deny and if that doesn’t work, deny again. I love it!
My mother is one of my bestest friends. I could never hurt her.
much.
I bet she can still outsmart you! You have years to go Sam before you grow up to be as brilliant as she is… LOL
Well I have the evil part down pat.
ha you’re not evil Sam…. until you put up that pic… then you have crossed the line!
cross it cross it cross it. come on, everyone’s doing it (i’m a good influence, eh?)
Give her a little time and she’ll be telling you Bigfoot made the hole. Frankly, I surprised she didn’t. or she could be laying the groundwork for the ultimate prank……..? be verrrry careful
Sam -
You and I - gotta chat. I can just imagine the product (I mean book) we could co-write.
While I don’t have an evil, evil mom (Satan’s concubine - I loved that description) - and assuming Satan is male - I live with two of Satan’s henchman; namely my Dad and my husband. Its like they are in cohoots to always keep me on my toes. My friends tell me - there is never a dull moment in my household.
Dad and hubby - henchman 1 and 2 - seem to miraculously find themselves in trouble - that requires nobody else’s attention, but mine. From dents on a car, to broken fine porcelain (my dad and his adventures to traverse the house with his souped up Walker), to beat up/soda filled remote controls and (my favorite) rotten dishes under the bed (hubby).
But, I can tell you this! I don’t know what I would do with myself if my henchman suddenly stopped or went away. In my own way - like you - I love having them with me.
Your mom and I have A LOT in commom. Case in point: Sister locks you out house, a chair through the window does the trick.