totahsam

It had it all.  Action, Love, Suspense, Terror (mostly mine), and even some comedy.

Last weekend was designated the Mormon party weekend.   We call it the 24th celebration but the rest of the Mormon world calls it “Pioneer Day.”   It commemorates the trek of our forefathers and foremothers and foresiblings making it to Salt Lake and saying,  “This is the place?” ::yiddish accent::

We celebrate our great pioneer ancestors’ struggles by overeating, bad dancing (mormons canNOT dance), softball and soft serve.  Good times were had by all.

We live half a block away from the church.  This means we have a plethora of relatives in and out of our house at all hours, all weekend.  So being the wonderful hosts that we are we cooked loads and loads of food.  Red chili Enchiladas, Spanish Rice, Salsa, Refritos, Tamales, Rellenos, stacks of flour tortillas and fry bread.   Yes, I had to help cook most of this.  It was cruel and unusual punishment.  Don’t worry.  I ate sensibly.    I’m not going to sabotage all my hard work with a weekend of frivolity and merriment.   Nooo… not me. 

Anyway,  there were rugrats everywhere.   We’re a fertile bunch.  There were relatives that I didn’t know I was related to and others I wish I wasn’t related to like my brother TOM.  Yeah, you know who you are.   Evil, evil sibling.   But, I lerrrrves him. 

Why is he evil?  Early Sunday Morning he calls the house.  I mean Eaaaarly.   1:35 a.m. to be exact.   They were heading down to Phoenix and left our house for Gallup around 11:00 p.m..  They arrive at the hotel and he has no wallet.   He lost it.   The last time he remembers having it was when he was crawling around a tractor trailer at the other end of our property.  Way out in the dark on the other side.  Waaaay over there.  In the dark.   Did I mention it was dark?

So here I am walking around in the dark with nary a weapon or dog to protect me from the ferocious outdoor denizens of the desert.  Like spiders, scorpions, BIGFOOT, wayward ufos and the occasional fairy or sprite.  

I drive my car through the field over to the trailer.  I ain’t no dummy.  I found it of course.  At the bottom of the trailer ramp.   So I nervously grab it and head towards my car and look up to see….. 

I froze.  Terrified.

There was a very large form standing next to the Mulberry tree right by the place where I had my encounter.   I sat frozen for a good minute.   I was trying to figure out if I could make it to the car before it grabbed me and ate me whole.   In the meantime I was worried that it’s girlfriend was sneaking up behind me.    That unnerved me and I ran screaming to the car.  Yes, screaming.   I was terrified.  I’m a gay man.  I’m allowed to scream.   It’s in the gay charter.   See!  Page 12,  Paragraph 3,  Line 12 -  “Big scaredy cat gay queens are allowed to scream like a woman when the occasion calls for it.” 

I jumped in the car and spun that baby around to confront a….

Tree trunk.   It was an old elm tree that burned and looked just like a hairy man-eating monster standing there.   I parked in the drive and waddled quickly into the house.   I called my brother back and CHEWED HIM OUT!!!   How dare he put me through that!

Anyway,  it was a fun weekend.  One of the best.  Mom was laughing.  That always makes me happy. 

No, nothing about Bigfoot.  Just a great eye catching title.  :P   Gotcha.

 I’m really proud of my sticking to the dietary plan I decided on.   I never thought I could have this kind of control over my eating.  I’ve been sticking to my routine and it’s slowly getting easier and easier. 

The problem is exercise.  My legs hurt so darn bad.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m going to try and see the doctor but walking is exacerbating the problem with my legs.   Not even shirtless rugby players can overcome this pain.  

I can’t take pain killers.   Don’t even want them to be truthful.  Most over the counter pain relievers tear up my stomach and the pain can be as bad as my legs.    The swelling is starting to get out of control again and I don’t want to go back on the Methotrexate. 

Anyone have any suggestions?    I’m all ears. 

By: Lauriana Hayward
Source: LowCarb Living Jan/Feb 2005

Fighting temptation is probably the hardest part of any diet.  Where cravings are concerned, the best defense is a good offense-eating a balance of protein, fat and fiber throughout the day will stave off hunger and prevent blood sugar from dipping too low.  “For most people, the cravings go away after two months,” says Fran McCullough, author of The Good Fat Cookbook and Living Low-Carb. “But sometimes they return, and they can really knock you for a loop.”

Chances are, no matter how strong a dieter’s resolve, sooner or later a craving will rear its ugly head.  But even the strongest urge for a forbidden food doesn’t warrant abandoning your low-carb lifestyle.  “You should diet as if your life depended on it,” says Fred Pescatore, M.D., author of The Hamptons Diet. “If you make it as important as anything else in your life, then you can’t fail.”

Here, low-carb experts and successful dieters share their tips to fend off cravings and stay on the path to weight loss and better health.

1. Supplement your craving - When you’re deficient in magnesium, you’re going to crave chocolate and other sweets.  In addition to magnesium, deficiencies of zinc and chromium may contribute to food cravings, too. If you find yourself craving carbohydrates, you may be deficient in zinc. Sugar cravings may indicate a chromium deficiency.

2. Brush your teeth - For a “huge food turnoff,” try toothpaste or Listerine strips, says McCullough, whose lost 60 pounds herself on a low-carb diet: “It numbs your mouth and makes you not want to eat.” Chewing gum can have the same effect, just in case you’re someplace where you can’t brush your teeth.

3. Take a walk - You won’t crave carbs nearly as much when you’re not standing in the kitchen. “If you’re at the office, do five jumping jacks, or walk up and down the stairs a few times,” says Pescatore. “anything so you’re not just sitting there feeling hungry.” Maintain an active social life, but try to avoid activities that revolve around food, especially at the beginning.

4. Do something engaging or interactive - Find an activity that gets your mind off food, whether it’s a round of computer solitaire, helping the kids with their homework, or a household chore. “For some reason, I never get hungry when I’m cleaning,” says low-carb dieter Leigh Ann Stewart, a 26-year old nanny from Owen Sound, Ontario. “Afterward, I find I no longer feel like snacking.”

5. Throw out your “fat” clothes - Stewart suggests, “Get rid of all the clothes that are too big.  By doing that, you say to yourself, ‘I can never go back to that size again.’”

6. Out of sight, out of mind - “I keep junk food out of the house,” says Stewart. “If it’s not there, I can’t have it.” Avoid situations that trigger cravings. If there’s a box of doughnuts every morning on the conference room table at work, don’t even go in.

7. Choose a healthy alternative - Try eating an acceptable food to fight your urge for an unhealthy one. “Practice defensive eating,” Pescatore says. Always keep healthy snacks on hand-foods such as hard boiled eggs, string cheese, sliced meat, celery with cream cheese, and low-carb nuts.

8. Remind yourself of your goals - Write down your health and fitness goals and read them whenever you feel the urge to stray. “Think of the bigger picture. What do you want to look like? How much weight do you want to lose?” says Pescatore. “If you want to be successful, snacking isn’t going to get you there.”

9. Keep your favorite reading materials handy - Stewart totes around her copy of Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution to reinforce her low-carb belief system. “Whenever I have free time at work, I read a few pages,” she says.

10. Call a like-minded friend - “A diet buddy is a great idea,” McCullough says. Pairing up with a friend can motivate you and pull you through times of temptation. And because low-carb diets have become so popular, it should be easy to find a supportive match. “Chances are, somebody you know is doing this,” she says.

11. Reward yourself - Many of us turn to food for emotional support-but it doesn’t have to be that way. Instead of heading for the cookie jar, try taking a bubble bath, visiting a day spa, reading a fun novel, or going to a movie. For added health benefits, dance to your favorite record, go shopping, or take a yoga class.

12. Have a low-carb version - “There are delicious, sweet products now available that will satisfy you,” says Bowden. Grocery stores nationwide offer low-carb yogurt, chocolate milk, ice cream, and candy bars all made with artificial sugar. However McCullough warns, “it isn’t a good idea to overindulge-sometimes you keep the sugar craving going.”

13. Drink two full glasses of water - Because food cravings are often thirst in disguise, you may find your hunger for carbs has vanished after you drink a couple tall glasses of water. “Adding some fiber into the glass is another good option,” says Jonny Bowden, author of Living the Low Carb Life. The fiber helps fill you up and slows digestion.

14. Give in (occasionally) - “I give in once or twice a week so the cravings won’t get worse,” says low-carb dieter Richard Stark, a 67 year-old retired social worker from Commack, New York. It hasn’t stopped his weight loss, he’s just losing at a slower rate and that’s OK. “People fail because they feel deprived,” he says. “I think if you cheat once in a while, you’ll keep yourself from going crazy.”

Through determination, willpower, and some trial and error, you’ll soon discover your own best ways to fight cravings and reinforce your healthy new lifestyle.

I got another red star!!  383.  I’m actually down to 383.  I haven’t seen this weight since J.R. was killed. 

Yay me! 

I was so worried that the latest flare-up would hinder my losses.  This latest flare-up took a lot out of me but I still managed to exercise and eat like a sane person.  

Margaritas are on the house!  

with Jeffrey Bahr, M.D., Internal Medicine, Advanced Healthcare

Jeffrey Bahr, M.D., Internal Medicine, Advanced Healthcare “We need to re-educate our obese patients on the need for smaller portions and more nutritious foods like fruits and vegetables.”

Obesity is a medical condition with serious consequences.

“Obesity should be taken very seriously because it’s a significant hindrance in the management of serious illnesses such as Type 2 diabetes, heart diseases of many varieties, strokes, cancer, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, gall bladder problems and some types of liver diseases,” said Jeffery Bahr, M.D., a general internist with Advanced Healthcare.

“Obese individuals are at greater risk for developing these problems, and if one should have any of these diseases, obesity makes it more difficult to treat them,” he added. “So the thing to do is lose weight.”

The most effective way to drop those excess pounds is through proper diet and exercise, yet this is the least frequently attempted method of weight loss in the United States, according to Dr. Bahr. “It’s important to motivate and educate a patient about properly eliminating obesity.”

Caution with medications
Dr. Bahr believes that medications for obesity are not a primary treatment option. “There’s a paucity of medications that are both completely safe and completely efficacious,” he said. “There are some available, however, that are approved by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration), but they’re down the list on treatment options, and I rarely prescribe them.”

According to the American Obesity Association, new medications, usually prescribed along with a program of diet and exercise, have been shown to increase the rate at which the weight loss occurs. However, weight loss plateaus for most people after several months and weight is often regained if the course of medication is discontinued. Current drugs can also have serious side effects, which must be carefully considered
by the physician and the patient, the association says.

Lifestyle changes bring success
In the first six months of an attempt to lose weight by diet and exercise, the majority of weight loss is attributable to dietary changes, not exercise, says Dr. Bahr. “So why exercise? Because there are other important benefits, such as improved cardiovascular health, better muscular conditioning, and better mental health.

“But once you reach that six month period, continued exercise starts to contribute more significantly to weight loss, and prevents, to a good degree, the gaining back of those lost pounds,” he said.

Dietary counseling can be essential. “When we preach diet, we don’t suggest dieting for a specific period of time, during which you control the amount and quality of your food — we’re talking about initiating a lifestyle change. We’re preaching a sustainable style and quality of eating to maintain a healthy weight, and we’re talking about doing it over a patient’s lifetime.”

Behavior modification, he says, plays an important role.

“Culturally in this country, a high percentage of obesity comes from the ‘meat and potatoes family.’ We are taught to eat three big meals a day and to sit down to a big family dinner on Sundays,” Dr. Bahr says. “Today’s super-size portion is a cultural phenomenon in this country. See any fast food restaurant. We’re taught more is better, but that’s just not true. We need to re-educate our obese patients on the need for smaller portions and more nutritious foods like fruits and vegetables.

Carb control
“We also need to emphasize eating smaller amounts of carbohydrates. I don’t mean eliminating carbs from a diet. I simply want my patients to eat the proper amounts and quality of carbs — like complex carbs such as whole grain bread,” Dr. Bahr said. “Carbs are an essential part of the human diet, but in our culture we’ve been encouraged to eat simple carbs like French fries and processed foods that are loaded with simple sugars that are not adequate for good nutrition.”

Changing your lifestyle to include a healthy diet is essential in combating obesity.

“Exercise, get three meals a day but watch what you’re eating, and avoid snacks if you can,” he advises patients. “If you absolutely must have a snack, plan ahead and make sure nutritious foods, like fruits or vegetables are handy, instead of junk foods from a convenience store.”

Dr. Bahr also points to the fact that you can get exercise without necessarily going to a gym. “Take the stairs regularly instead of an elevator. Walk a half hour each day. Park your car at a good distance away from the store you visit at the mall. That’s all good.”

I traveled home for lunch yesterday.  Which is my daily routine during the work week to check up on the folks and make sure nothing has burned down during the four hours  that I’m away from the house.  

No fires.

But,  I walked in to chaos and mayhem.  My nephew is holding something and complaining that it’s biting him.  This is not the same nephew that works for the local mortuary.  This is the Nobel Prize candidate.   He’s our resident rocket scientist.   Yes I’m being sarcastic.

Well he was holding a fiddle back ya’ll and it was biting him repeatedly.   I said slowly and clearly to let go of the spider and kill it.  He blinked a couple of times and finally dropped it.   He was replacing the ceiling tiles in the kitchen where the fire took place and it had a web between the roof and the hanging frame for the tiles.   It dropped on his arm and started biting him.  After two bites he grabbed it and that’s when it started biting his fingers.    Meanwhile,  I’m freaking out. 

I went to bed early because my legs were starting to swell again.  I fell asleep only to wake up about two hours later not able to breathe.  I get up on my hands and knees and try to cough.  Nothing.   I can’t get oxygen down my throat and into my lungs.   It must have been a good 45 seconds before my throat opened back up.   I had aspirated in my sleep.   My throat still hurts.  I didn’t sleep the rest of the night.  I was worried about dying in my sleep.  

I did manage to walk on the Farmington track again this morning.  Rugby team was there again.  I avoided all poles in the vicinity.   I was very happy.   They were very energetic. 

Apart from the random bumps in the road life sure is good. 

You’re not going to believe it but I assure these are true facts. 

I didn’t have to time to make it to the gym this morning because I had to take my nephew to work.  At the mortuary.   Early in the morning.   He was happy.   I have a strange family.  He slept in the mortuary last weekend because he was on call.   I made it quite clear that he damn well better smudge himself before he steps in our front door and wear garlic like a pearl necklace!  And whatever accoutrements are needed to stave off the occasional zombie or mummy curses.   I did, however, tell him rather cheerfully not to take any wooden legs as I dropped him off.  Once again he didn’t find that funny.   I guess he’s not a morning person.

As usual I digress.

Well, the Farmington High School football field is ony two blocks from my work and it’s flat and in the middle of town (no bugs or bigfoots or crazy birds) plus it had the added bonus of seating around the track.   This will come in handy when I have a coronary from all that fresh air and outdoorsy stuff. 

I pull up and notice a few other people with a similar idea and I wasn’t too concerned.  Most of them were a little robust so I felt right at home.   I start my warm-up, you know, opening the car door, getting up, walking to the track,  that warm-up.   I have a good thirty minutes before my shift so I take off.   I’m walking I nice brisk waddle.  Not too fast, not too slow.   I’m maybe a quarter down the track when numerous cars begin to pull up in the parking lot.  LOTS and LOTS of cars.   LOTS and LOTS of men start piling out of these cars.  

“What the hell????”

It can only happen to me.  They pour onto the field and start to… remove their shirts.

Oh my.

It’s the Rubgy Team.  They are practicing this morning.

I’m distracted. 

These are some fine healthy male specimens.  I was twitterpated.  I was mesmerized. 

Suddenly I hear a voice behind me,  “Hey buddy!  Look out!”

Instead of looking ahead to see what was going on, I turn to look at the guy warning me and…

I ran smack dab into a pole.  I mean I nailed that sucker.  It was pure dumb luck that I turned to look at him rather than straight ahead or I would probably have a concussion.  As it is I have a light pole tattooed to my upper torso.  Thank goodness I only bounced off the pole rather than going down.  I’d have had a hell of a time getting back up.

The rugby guys came over to check on me.  Just my luck.   A lot of them were firemen.   After much assurances that I didn’t need a ride to hospital I gathered my shredded dignity and went to work.

But I got treated by a group of shirtless men ya’ll!  What a great way to start a Monday!

My new hobby is gym bunny watching.  It’s kind of like bird watching but without the mosquitos and the whole being outside thing.  My definition of gym bunny is anyone who is in it for fashion rather than health.  Yes this applies to men as well.  They usually don’t work out much.  Just prance around in the latest of gym wear couture.  I find great entertainment in my latest past time.

Today I was watching Swish Hips.  Now it’s important to name the gym bunnies by a particular characteristic.  Swish Hips is pretty much self explanatory.   I’m the Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall of gym bunny watching.   Only my primates can accessorize.  

Anyway, back to Swish Hips. 

Quit distracting me people!  :P  

She opened the door and practically flung herself into the room.  Paused.   I’m guessing for maximum effect.  It worked for me.  I noticed her immediately.  She pranced over to the front counter.  Nervous little filly.  I liked her right away.  She’s my kind of queen.  

She spent most of her time hovering around the more fit of the male gym primate group.  It had quite the positive effect on their work out efforts.  Much flexing and grunting was to be had by all involved.  It was  like placing a carrot on a stick in front of a mule to get it going.   Some of the male specimens were showing a peculiar response to her perusal by the sucking in of guts and much breath holding.  Veeeery peculiar.  Sometimes I just don’t get straight guys. 

I could tell Swish Hips was having a wonderful time.  I know I was.  She walked by me and smiled.  Swish swish swish.  Very pleasant perfume.   20 minutes later she was gone.  

This is going to be fun.   Thank you stationary recumbant bicycle.  

And it’s called recumbant stationary bicycle.  Say that five times real fast.  It was easy.  I was relaxed.  It doesn’t have an attitude problem like a certain treadmill I know.    I have one issue though.  How can I say this delicately?

There’s no way for a girl to get on and off that thing with dignity.    I tried the straddle squat technique.  The side saddle “I’m a lady” technique.   Then there was the scooch technique.  I don’t recommend it.  I scarred some patrons for life.  I even tried a sneak attack which I think caused the employees to question my sanity.   I finally settled for the side saddle “I’m a lady” technique with a little leg swish for effect.  It’s very important to point the toe as you swing your leg over.  Very lady like.

Gravity is my enemy. 

Anyway,  I pedaled my little heart out for 20 minutes.  It was exhilarating.  Getting off was another issue.  My legs were wobbly.  Damn me and my years of inactivity.

I think I’m going to like this gym.  Everyone is so nice and for some reason they tend to keep their distance.  Go figure. 

Well, ya’ll knew something was going to happen and of course it did.   First morning of exercise.  I’m color coordinated and fierce.  FIERCE I tell ya!  Nothing will get in my way.   At least that was my thought process when I stepped onto the treadmill. 

That’s when everything changed.   First of all I felt like I stepped into a fighter jet cockpit.  There were more buttons and dials than I could count.  I stood there for a good 10 minutes trying to find out how to start the damn thing.   Finally a gym bunny walked over and gave me the basic rundown.  I was already extremely self-conscious so I wasn’t really paying much attention.   She said ON BUTTON and that’s all I needed.

Or so I thought.

She walked away with a spring in her step and I continued contemplating the shiny dials and knobs.  Preeeeetty.   Well, being the brain that I am I decided to just hit the on button to get it going so people would stop staring at me.  Apparently a champion triathlete with a sadomasochistic streak had used it before me.   I went down hard.  it shot me out off of the treadmill like a salad shooter on meth. 

One moment I was standing and the next I was pulling my shirt back down from around my ears wondering which way was up.   I’m having vertigo issues as it is with my ear problem so I had a hell of a time standing back up.   Once again the drunk hippo image came to my mind and I start giggling.   Gym bunny was beside herself with horror.  She couldn’t believe I went down that hard without serious damage to my extremities.   I have some carpet burns on my knees but that’s about it.  

There was a Navajo couple next to me when this happened and the wife asked me if I grew up on the Rez.  I spent most of my childhood and adult life there so I answered yes.

“I knew it!”  She crowed with delight.

“How did you know?” I asked a little dazed and confused.

“Because when you fell down you said Yęę’ ” (the two e’s are nasalized and the comma is a glottal stop at the end).  Navajo is a tough language.

“I did???” 

“Aoo’” she said solemnly.  Then she and her husband started laughing hard.   I joined in.  Well, it was funny ya’ll.

Yęę’ is the sound you make when you fall down if you’re Navajo.  Kind of like our oomph. There’s even a joke in navajo about people having a party at night and someone trips and falls out in the dark and says “oomph!” the Navajos all look at each other and say, “must be a missionary.” It loses something in the translation but it’s actually very funny.

Anyway, that’s how I launched my new exercise regimen. Why me Lord?