totahsam

The reason I haven’t been on here so much isn’t strictly due to the illness.   Well, in a way it is.   I have been dealing with a soul crushing depression since about the second week of the flare-up.   The Doc prescribed paxil and I have been taking it regularly even though I hate pills with a passion.   Long story.   Has to do with a bipolar mother and numerous suicide attempts.   I guess you can call it a phobia.  What’s one more?  

Anyway,  even though I hate pills I would never ever tell anyone to NOT use them if they’re helpful.  I see the use of paxil as a tool to help me through this rough patch in my life.   It’s not the answer by any means but it sure helps.   The only problem that I have with paxil is the tiring effect it has on me.   The methotrexate already wipes me out and this is another straw on the camel’s back.

On top of that I have to deal with mouth sores, ongoing green apple quickstep, nausea, and due to my decreased immune system I have a raging ear infection in my left ear.   Which requires this nasty greasy antibiotic that has to be applied topically.   Blech!

My left leg is horrendously swollen and no matter what I do I can’t get it to go down.   I’m going stir crazy staring at my bedroom walls hour after hour after hour ad nauseam.   I go to work the swelling goes up.  I go home, prop my legs up and the swelling goes down, rinse and repeat.   This rountine is driving me bonkers.

I’m miserable in other words.  

O.k.  the whimpering has now concluded.   We will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Has now become my all time favorite movie.  I love movies that empower women.  It’s the estrogen in me.   Amid the humor are wonderful messages of true family values.   It’s a little risqué in places but well worth the watch.  I highly recommend it plus it has some of my favorite actors and actresses in it. 

I think I’ve watched it about 12 times and well on my way to memorizing the dialogue.   Yes, I’m pathetic like that.  

In other news.  I’m still under 400 lbs.  I won’t get a true reading until this flare-up is done but I’m so happy I haven’t gained a lot of weight.  

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I had to share this with ya’ll.   Yes, I’m feeling a LITTLE better.   The pain is extreme but no longer excruciating.  Which means I no longer burst into tears when I have to stand up.   It’s an improvement, trust me. 

Anyone have any medical marijuana they want to share with me?  (totally kidding) 

I was awake around 2 a.m. thinking about stuff and noticed a tapping coming from the wall that faces the river.   Right below the window.  I froze.

At first I thought it was me moving in the bed causing it to bump against the wall.  The only problem with that was the fact that I wasn’t moving. 

It started again.

tap tap.   tap tap tap tap.  tap.   tap tap tap tap tap. 

It sounded like Morse Code.

Of course my mind jumped to the one thing that will scare all my hell out.  

Bigfoot.

Don’t ask my why I would think Bigfoot knew Morse Code.  Phobias aren’t meant to be logical.  Especially at 2 a.m. and you’re the only one awake.   On top of that, I had sent a video earlier that evening to my brother that lives in California. 

This video:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wpl0-bKt7Qg

So the pump was already primed.  I was in a full panic.  I pulled a Bambi.

I froze in place.  I must have laid there for 10 minutes not moving, barely breathing.  I just knew Bigfoot was trying to lure me into looking out the window and then it would grab me and eat me whole.  I had lots of salsa earlier that evening and I was hoping I would give it indigestion if it ate me.  Serves it right.

Finally I grabbed my little spotlight (for just such an occasion).  I was hoping to blind it and then escape out the bedroom door.  I plucked up what little courage I have and flung the window open. 

Nothing.

Then I hear a rustling below the window. 

The hair stood up on the back of my neck.  It was below the window.  Hiding.  I’m going to die.

I point the flashlight down and two glowing red eyes look back at me. 

It’s my dog.  He was scratching himself and his leg was hitting the wall. 

That dog almost died. 

Actually he jumped up to get scratched.  So I scratched his ears for a bit.

Damn dog.

Yep.  Still here.  Very tired.  Very sad.   Lots and lots of pain. 

’nuff said.

Despite my best efforts the flare-up is now a major problem.  Which means I’m back on the methotrexate.  I have been dreading this.  The side effects and possible risks from the treatment far exceed the disease itself.  My old friends nausea & debilitating fatigue are making their presence known. Hi guys.

On a positive note, the nausea will curtail my appetite dramatically.  Weight loss! 

Not exactly my first method of choice but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?  The only problem with that is my tendency to overcompensate when the nausea eases.  I get ravenously hungry and  overeat.  I’ll have to watch that.

My immune system will be trashed so infection and communicable illnesses will be a serious threat.  Fatigue, mouth sores, various ongoing stomach and intestinal problems, irregular heart beats, and hair loss will m regimen for the next two to three weeks.

Yay!  (sarcasm)

I apologize to everyone in advance for being a terrible buddy.  I promise when this flare-up is on the wane you won’t be able to shake me off with a stick.  As for now I have to take rest breaks between sentences.  Holding my arms up is tiring and they’re starting to ache.

I’m too damned stubborn to quit I guess,  but I figured I owed ya’ll an explanation.  As for the leg collapsing?  It is most likely one of two things, a pinched nerve or a form of sarcoidosis called neurosarcoidosis. My symptoms suggest the spinal cord may be affected. Which in turn prompted the need for methotrexate traetment. Personally I’m rooting for the pinched nerve scenario.

Iwant to thank you all for the spport and well wishing. It warms the cockles of my heart.

I need to rest now. Take care and be good. Remember, Santa is watching you.

Last night I had a scary experience and I’m still a little shaken up by it today.     Mom’s mobile chair decided to quit and she was trapped between the wall and the arm of her chair.  We had a hell of a time getting her out of it and into bed.   I was exhausted by the time the dust settled.  We worked on that chair for several hours and finally got it running again.  Mom was mobile again.

I had to lie down and prop my legs up (per doctor’s orders) after all that.  We have an intercom phone to keep close tabs on her and dad day or night so I wasn’t too worried about them.  About an hour later I can hear mom yelling.  I jumped up and started for the door when my right leg collapsed and I went down hard.  My leg wouldn’t work.  It wasn’t numb or tingly or anything like that which would suggest my leg went to sleep.   It felt perfectly normal but I just couldn’t get it to respond.   I pulled myself back up on the bed and sat there massaging it and moving it with my hands trying to get it to respond.   Finally after about 5 minutes I could use it again.   No tingly or numb feeling anywhere. 

Mom was fine.  She was yelling at a dog that was chasing one of our cats.  I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. 

Does anyone know why this would happen?  Has anyone heard of this before? 

I’m going to Urgent Care later today but I wanted to get some opinions or ideas from ya’ll.

Sorry folks.  This is doozy of a flare-up and I’m having a difficult time.   I’ll post again when I have the energy.  My tailpipe is a draggin’  

I got a call from my doctor yesterday.   He has been monitoring my blood sugar because of my pre-diabetes diagnoses.   I talked to the nurse first and she said the doctor would have to talk to me about it.  That made me nervous.  I figured it was bad news and I would probably have to start taking Diabetes medication.

I got a little worried.  I spent the rest of the day trying to figure what I needed to do different and how I was going to accomplish this.  Especially with this major flare-up ravaging my legs.   Yes, I’m a worrier.   I even worry about being a worrier. 

Finally the doctor called and I was sweating bullets at this point. 

He told me that my levels were excellent and that whatever I was doing to keep doing it.   He also said I didn’t need to check it again for at least a year. 

Yay me!!!!!

I worried for nothing.    No surprise there. 

I called home to check on mom and make sure she isn’t being naughty.  Like burning down houses and stuff.  That kind of naughty.

She answers the phone with a deep raspy voice.  I was jealous.

“Mom???”  

I’m checking the number to make sure I called the right house.

*ehem*  “Yes, son?”

She clears her throat and suddenly her sweet voice is once again normal.

“What’s wrong with your voice???”

“Oh, I had a frog.”

“Don’t do that again, that freaked me out.  You sounded like Freddy Kreuger!”

Suddenly the deep gravely voice is back.

“Your mother isn’t here.  I killed her.  When are you coming home?  muahahaahahah!!!”

::crickets chirping::

“If you need me, I’ll be staying at the Holiday Inn tonight.”

::click::

She was laughing maniacally as I hung up the phone.

I didn’t know evil was genetic. 

I’ve decided that the bathroom at work has it out for me. 

Yesterday after my shift ended I realized the water pills were working overtime and I needed to “see a man about a horse.”   I had already said my goodbyes and headed out the back so no one realized I was still in the building.

We have a wonderful cleaning lady who is all of 5 foot nothing and weighs about 90 lbs. soaking wet.   What she lacks in size she makes up for in personality.  We speak Navajo together (during which she spends most of the time giggling at me because of my pronunciations)  She says I sound like that White preacher on the Navajo radio station.  He speaks veeeery slowly and over pronounces everything.   But in my defense?  Navajo is a tough language ya’ll! 

Thanks Cornelia.

When I was done I opened the door kind of quickly because I was in a bit of a hurry.  No more house fires for me when I’m not home.   Before I could even adjust my eyes or realize what was going on I was smacked three or four times and someone screamed in my ear.  I backed up and there was Cornelia.  Eyes wide, full of fear. 

“SAM!!!!  I THOUGHT YOU LEFT!!!”  She screamed. 

“Umm.. boo?”  was my witty response.

Then she said some very uncharitable things about me in Navajo and stomped off.    

I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  She looked just like a Bantam rooster with it’s feathers all ruffled.  I get the chuckles just thinking about it. 

Today, it’s my break.  Once again with the water pills.   As I’m washing my hands the door handle rattles.  I always lock the door.   I open it up and there stands a fellow employee. 

“Sam, why do you lock the door?”  he asks with a little bit of frustration.

“I lock the door because I don’t want there to be a mistaken foot tapping incident”   I responded.

I thought it was clever….

“Huh?” he replies.

“Well, I am a Log Cabin Republican after all”  I hinted.

“Uhh… what?”  flies are starting to gather.

“I’m shy.  REALLY shy.”  

“Ohhhh… he he”  

Straight guys.