totahsam

The world crashed down on me last night.   I won’t go into detail but it involves worsening alzheimer’s in one parent,  another dangerously depressed terminal parent,  a bipolar alcoholic close relative, another close relative incarcerated, new IMPOSSIBLE guidelines at work (I’ll probably be looking for a new job in three months), and a visit from the police.  This all happened yesterday and last night. 

The Chaos finally ended around 3 a.m. this morning with knock on the door from the police.  With my bipolar alcoholic relative in tow. 

Because of the Alzheimer’s worsening I have to take on a whole new set of responsibilities.   With some of those responsibilities being a matter of life or death.  It’s a bit overwhelming.  

I binged.  Something terrible.  I mean it was horrifying.  I kept telling myself to stop and I couldn’t.  I didn’t want to deal.  I didn’t want to cope.  I just wanted to hide and wait for the storm to blow over.  I ate and ate and ate.  I’m so ashamed.   I am so sick!  Oh my God I am so miserable!  That was the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.   Beyond stupid.  I can tell my blood sugar is through the roof.   My eyesight is blurred. I have a pounding sensation in my ears.  I’m sick to my stomach.  I’m having trouble walking.  I’m fatigued.  Stupid.  Stupid. Stupid.

I just don’t understand why I couldn’t stop myself.  I almost felt possessed.  I did a lot of crying and a lot of comforting and a lot of cursing.  It’s too much people.  I’m crying uncle.  I can’t take much more. 

Why couldn’t I stop eating?